What Easter Means to Me

An Essay by Joe Greenseid

Easter is a very special time of year. However, there seem to be a lot of people who just don't get the meaning of Easter. They think it's about some guy who died and came back to life. That's just ridiculous. That's not even possible! Please, dying and coming back to life. And then, he flies up into the sky and goes to heaven? While he's just come back to life? Does he die again, or does he go to heaven alive? Either way, he flies? What's that all about?! No, Easter has a much simpler meaning.

Easter is a time of year when millions of people pray to the candy god to bring them lots of candy. Most of the candy takes the shape of animals, or their eggs, proving yet again that vegetarians and vegans are not only unnatural but against the beliefs of all the major religions. So anyway, these millions of people pray to the candy god. They have many rituals that they do, in hopes of the candy god blessing them with lots of candy sometime in April. Some of these rituals don't seem to make any sense to the layman, but they do to these devout followers of the candy god. I'll just briefly mention a few of them here. One is when, a few weeks before they want their candy, they put ashes on their foreheads, and walk around like that all day. I think it has something to do with how they didn't have running water and showers and stuff back in the days when the first followers of the candy god started observing this holiday, but I'm not too sure about that. Another interesting one is skipping work 2 days before Easter. I think this one was made up by the slackers in the group, "Uh, we should, uh, skip work, and, uh, yeah, you all should go to church and pray to the candy god that he brings us a bountiful harvest." Meanwhile, these slackers are sleeping in late after enjoying the Thursday night before a three day weekend. The last of the weird rituals used in preparing for Easter is leaving out carrots the night before Easter. Sure, people tell you this is for the "Easter bunny", but in reality, this is a treat for all those vegetarians and vegans who take horror in the eating of likenesses of animals cast in sugar.

So if the good little pagans do all these rituals well, then very early Sunday morning (or late Saturday night if you're a college student or work 3rd shift), the candy god takes the form of a cute little bunny rabbit, and delivers candy to all the heathens that satisfied his sadistic sense of humor by performing all the previously mentioned rituals. And that's the true meaning of Easter.